Swimmer Jennifer Figge Is The New Rosie Ruiz

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Swimmer Jennifer Figge swam all the way across the Atlantic Ocean… Or did she?! The erroneous reports of Figge’s literally unbelievable feat is drawing comparisons to another LIARFACE, Boston marathon “winner” Rosie Ruiz.

Initial reports breathlessly reported that Figge had swum from Cape Verde Islands off the coast of Africa to the island of Trinidad in 25 days, a total of about 2,100 miles. No matter that the actual distance was 2,400 miles. (What’s 300 miles, really?) Or that it is pretty much physically impossible for a human being to swim that distance at a sustained pace over that amount of time.

Media outlets began second-guessing the story, until Figge finally admitted that had “never intended” to swim the Atlantic and had, in fact, only swam 250 miles, spending the remainder of her journey on her crew’s catamaran. Of course, her original intention didn’t stop her from coming forward and correcting initial reports.

The story is reminiscent of Rosie Ruiz’s. Back in 1980, 23-year-old New Yorker Rosie Ruiz was heralded as the first woman ever to win the Boston Marathon. People were amazed at both her time - two hours, thirty-one minutes, and fifty-six seconds - and the fact that she seemed to have finished the race without so much as breaking a sweat. Look at her stupid LIAR running pose:

Her lack of sweat was probably due to the fact that Ruiz had entered the race a half-mile before the end and sprinted to the finish. Investigators also discovered that she had also cheated during the qualifying New York City Marathon… by taking the subway for most of the race. Honest? No. But you’ve got to give her points for creativity.

At a time when our county’s idolized and beloved athletes are letting us down by getting high, it might be wise to stick to being honest, though. We can’t take it anymore! Our athletes are supposed to be strong, talented, hardworking… And infallible.

Rosie Ruiz Biography

Rosie Ruiz Vivas was born 1953 in Havana, Cuba. She is most famous for being the Cuban-American Marathon runner who on April 21, 1980 won the 84th Boston Marathon in the women’s division, but who was later stripped of her title when it was found that she had cheated.

Rosie Ruiz supposedly completed the marathon with a record time of 2:31:56. However it was determined that she had not ran the entire 26.2-mile course, but had registered for the race and later jumped in from the crowd and sprinted to the finish line ahead of the pack. She then boldly claimed the win as her own.

People actually doubted her story from the beginning because no one had really seen Rosie in the race. Eventually, race officials stripped Ruiz of her Boston Marathon title and named Jacqueline Gareau of Montreal, Canada the women’s winner, with a time of 2:34:28. New York Marathon director Fred Lebow had rescinded Ruiz’s 1979 finish earlier that week, determining that Ruiz had not completed her first marathon, either. What a cheater!

The real winner, Jacqueline Gareau was awarded her medal over a week after the marathon. Her’s was bigger than the one that Ruiz had originally received, equal in size to the larger men’s medal.

A few years later, Rosie Ruiz was arrested in New York on forgery and grand larceny charges after her employer accused her of stealing $60,000. She spent a week in jail and was sentenced to five years’ probation. A year later, she was jailed in Miami on charges of selling cocaine to undercover agents.

It is unknown what Rosie Ruiz has been doing most recently. We will update as information becomes available to us.